Wandering

This post came about from a dinner the other night with some of my friends from middle and junior high school. The evening was going very well until they decided to start questioning me and my relationship status. First, let me give you a little background on some things before I talk about the conversation that evening. I am currently residing in Liberia so the West African tradition (mostly just Liberia & what I see in movies from Ghana and Nigeria) depicts that I should be married and with a child or children by now AND most importantly my decisions should be supported by my husband. I was out to dinner with three of my guy friends along with one of their wives. These are folks I went to school with, shared meals with, laughed, cried, rebelled and even cheated on a few French test during our time together. Oh what times we had! I am blessed to still have these folks in my life. Whenever I visit Monrovia, I always make time to catch with them because it reminds me that no matter how much time have past, some things are still the same.  We all seem to be getting along in life just fine. It might not be what we perfect lives, but we are enjoying what life has to offer. One of them is now married to a wife that was arranged for him by family. The other will be following his foot steps soon and the last one just want to go to America- simple. Then, there is this outcast one who apparently needs to be married or at least having children- womp womp! I laughed it off, but this has become the norm since I came to Liberia. There is a constant battle between families, friends and other people. What am I waiting for or what is holding me back? Well, here is the thing:

1. I am working on me- (Traveling, Exploring and Testing the waters)
I am in no type of rush to be called Mrs or Mama (mommy). I spend way too much time trying to decide what to do with my now bald hair. I also like myself way too much for now to even think about sharing with anyone. Unlike most people, I actually live the life my Instagram shows. I am neighbors with paradise- literally a few minutes away from ocean views that will take your breath away! I am blessed to live the beach life most folks just dream about. I enjoy going on trips, getting lost in translations and attempting to say phrases in different languages. I am not saying being married will stop these things, but since I have those things now, why do I have to change it? I’ll wait….


2. I am NOT ready (seriously is anybody ever really ready?)
I find it hard to believe that some of these people asking me to get into a long term commitment are even satisfy with their own commitments. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I am not ready for that type of commitment. Marriage ehhhh maybe, but children are very serious commitment. Have you ever try to return them? What is that process like? I am thinking- Sooooo not only am I committing to someone for a lifetime, I have other people depending on me too?! I think I need time to accept all that. I need to accept that I will no longer be living for myself. I need to start putting the needs of others ahead of mine. That is precisely the kind of thing I am NOT ready for. Why is that wrong? I see this like the GREs. Although you never know what is on it, you have a general sense so you can still prepare for it- you can have practice sessions, group studies and even pre-tests. I am still preparing for that type of commitment. Is that okay?


3. The FEAR is too real (So what if I am a chicken ?)I have seen way too many good people lose themselves in the name of love. They say love is a give and take deal, but I’ve seen people continuously give and get nothing back. I have seen and heard about the headaches, heartbreaks and regrets. I’ve had my share of foolishness too in the name of love. I do not have any shame in admitting that it scares me to think about giving myself to anyone in the name of love. I read somewhere that love is knowing someone has the opportunity to hurt you, but trusting that they will not take it. I, Randell Zuleka Dauda fear giving that opportunity to anyone as of yet. I am allow to decide when I want to stop living in fear and start living for love. Right? Let me Live.

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4. I just want to be SURE (Like beyond all reasonable doubt sure…) It is no rocket science that love takes time to grow. For some people it happens almost instantly and for others, it takes time. The pressure from social media or real life friends should not be the reason I am pushed to change my relationship status. I am not unhappy or complacent. I want to be in love with love itself when the time comes. I am genuinely excited for those that have found it and highly skeptical of those folks that say single life is better. I am a helpless romantic with a filthy mind and complicated attitude towards love. I want my cake and want to eat it too! I am selfish and not ashamed to admit it. At the appropriate time, I just want to be sure beyond all reasonable doubt as they say in Criminal Justice.


5. He is not Complaining, Why are you? I am blessed to have a guy that acknowledged all the points I made above. He accepts me and my decision to work on me, hide from love and even the uncertainties I sometimes attach to love. He has yet to call me crazy, but he does give me that crazy feeling 🙂 Love makes you crazy- right? At least that is what they say. I am not sure what we have, but I am sure of his promise to me…it shines just as bright as diamonds from Sierra Leone. Here is to all the questions and puzzle looks that came and are yet to come 🙂

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